Life in the firing line.

Published on June 15, 2004 By Phoenixboi In Blogging

Ive been blogging like mad over the past few days. This has been due to the amazing post by MadPoet about Ryan White and Reagan. It's been really interesting to read what people have been writing and also heart breaking.

Heart breaking because there is still a dramatic amount of stigmatism around this whole disease.

Did you know that I cannot enter the UNited States because of my status? Because of my status I cannot get health insurance. Because of my status I am denyed relationships with people because of their lack of education, they are scared of me. Imagine being treated like a leper.

Imagine. When I go for my blood tests the nurse puts on gloves, a face mask, goggles and a gown. Im an infectious body walking around.

Imagine being with a lover and all the while when making love it is in the back of my mind am I going to infect this person? Imagine for a moment how that feels.

Imagine that the relationships I have had in my adult life the people dont feel secure because they cannot see a future life with me because they fear this disease will eventually take me away from them.

Imagine not knowing if the cough you have one day will turn into the pneumonia the next.

Imagine thinking everyday that you life is a walking timebomb??

Imagine life on the firing line??

Comments (Page 1)

a radical

on Jun 15, 2004

im thinking u have aids. well theres two sides to this. if u were born with aids. then i have pity. if it was cuz u felt adventurous, oh well, that's life. u should've been careful. but i feel ur pain. blame Ronald Reagan. if u wanna know why, post it.

MadPoet41

on Jun 15, 2004

PB~this is beautiful work. I feel for you. One of the friends I had that died from AIDS in 1993 told me this story about his very own family: When he went home for Christmas dinner~everybody else got to use silver forks and spoons and china plates and crystal glasses to have their lovely holiday supper with. But not my friend. He was made to eat off of paper plates, and given plastic spoons/forks, plus a styrofoam cup, etc. And this was in 1992! There is no excuse for that kind of stupidity.

I mean, for his own mother to treat her son like that? To make him feel so separate and apart. It is totally heartbreaking dude. My heart goes out to you big time. I hope we can become better friends soon~when I can send you a nice long email, huh? BUT, things have been pretty crazy round here lately, huh? . So I haven't even had a chance to check my personal email (plus my own poetry website!). But I really do care about you PB. I want you to know that. And I am your friend~maybe it is just a cyber friend. BUT I still think we can help each other in so many different ways. You're a good person to have on my team! Please come and visit me soon over on the Ryan White blog, huh? Your posts are the best ones that anybody ever has the nerve to put on there! . VERY BEAUTIFUL ARTICLE. AND HOPE TO CHAT WITH YOU AGAIN REALLY SOON!

P.S. Phoenixboi? How is your health these days? I know you said you had some bad night sweats not all that long ago? So how are you feeling now? Please let me know soon (either on the RW blog~or else my home email, k?). HANG IN THERE BIG TIME DUDE!

Radical~since you obviously don't have all the facts about Phoenixboi's situation~please don't come on his thread and tell him he should have been more careful. Perhaps YOU should have been more careful before you made such a grossly insensitive remark? But I'm so glad you feel his pain. How nice.

~MadPoet

Phoenixboi

on Jun 15, 2004

Thanks for your comments radical.
can i ask how u feel my pain?

Phoenixboi

on Jun 15, 2004

Phoenixboi? How is your health these days? I know you said you had some bad night sweats not all that long ago? So how are you feeling now?

Hey MAdPoet.

Thanks for visiting again! You are always very welcome posting here. I get comfort from what you have to say.

Im feeling ok at the moment. Everyday is different. Ive learnt to take each day as it comes. Its hard sometimes because being 31 I want to live my life as normal. But thats something I have to learn to live with. Hard though when Im trying to earn a living, get on with life in relationships and trying to stay healthy as well.

Interesting that in your Ryan White blog it has gone silent. Im glad you posted that blog though. Its helped me to understand some of the people who might be reading my blog.

How are you doing? Im looking forward to your email.
Cheers!

Sally jacobs

on Jun 15, 2004

I'm not fully aware of your situation, as I've not read your previous blogs, i just wanted to say that blog was very touching, and I appreciated how honest you was in it, thank you for making me think.

Phoenixboi

on Jun 15, 2004

Thanks for your comments Sally. Thanks for thinking. I appreciate it.

Phoenixboi

on Jun 15, 2004

i really dont mean to be unkind, but if this is such a concern why not just keep it in your pants? Hey, having sex is fun, but hardly a necessary activity to sustain life, like eating or breathing. You have a choice in this matter

littlewhip

Yeah I do have a choice in the matter. I give my partners a choice in the matter as well. Its called informed consent. Thankfully the people I have had sex with are educated and know the risks etc. So it hasnt bothered them. Doesnt make it easier for me.

I understand where your coming from though so there isnt any point of me saying anything more to you about it.
Thanks for your comments. If you dont mean to be unkind then please dont be.

MadPoet41

on Jun 15, 2004

I understand where your coming from though so there isnt any point of me saying anything more to you about it.
Thanks for your comments. If you dont mean to be unkind then please dont be.

Phoenixboi~just to give you some idea of how LittleWhip operates~she has just recently gone on one of those laughable little homophobia doesn't exist threads, and self-righteously claimed that I deleted an "intelligent" comment of hers from my Ryan White blog. Very curious. Because I don't recall deleting a single comment on that thread. Even the one in which she so generously called me and all my friends (I guess that's you too, huh?) a$$holes. But she doesn't mean to be unkind?

She also has the nerve to claim I am defending people who knowingly infect others with AIDS. Say what? Is this woman completely delusional? . PB, please be careful around this one, huh? Remember Marvin? Well she is simply his female counterpart. Only a little bit more original! . But she doesn't mean to be unkind? Please. I'm so sorry that you had to be subjected to such ignorant and completely dishonest folks like this on JU. But please know this. For every Little Whip and Marvin~there's a Muggaz and WiseFawn and MadPoet, etc. So just be very wise and avoid the more homophobic ones here, and you will be okay. I love you brother. Don't ever forget that.

~MadPoet

P.S. I'm doing an article about homophobia ASAP. (Thanks for the inspiration, LittleWhip!) So be sure and take a peek when it's posted Phoenixboi. And keep on staying strong.

trina_p

on Jun 15, 2004

MP - I'm kinda getting tired of your veiled "nasty comments" -- there's nothing to defame you and yet anyone with half a brain can see the saccrine in your voice - butter wouldn't melt in your mouth attitude you have about certain bloggers. Again this is pointless - you'll just ignore me like you did on your Ryan White thread but I think I get where Dan was coming from when he was saying he didn't like "curiouser and curiouser" You're not a character from ALice in WOnderland. Your holier the thou atitude and woe is me and my friends and not quite personal attacks on people are wearing thin on me

Copper Clark

on Jun 15, 2004

I am going to be completely honest, I am not sure I could have sex with someone who is positive. It really does scare me, and I am informed on it. But after saying that I think about the dumb things I have done which are probably more risky than having sex with someone who is HIV positive. I sometimes wonder if I could love someone with it. Not because of the disease but the fact that if I were to fall in love with them one day they are going to die, and I am not sure I could handle that. I do understand that it is probably much worse for you. I hope that doesn't sound bad.

I did not know you could not enter the USA. I think that is crap!

I don't know anyone personally who has HIV. The first time I ever really heard about it was from the MTV show the real world. They had a guy named Pedro who was openly gay and had HIV. He was also the first guy who I knew was gay. Because of that show I was opened up to a lot of things. I really enjoy reading your posts. I have so much to learn about everything so it is great to get read what you have to say about life in general. You kind of bring things back to reality and make me realize that it is real people who get it. I think when most people think about things like this they think it only happens to other people. But the reality it could happen to anyone. I am sorry if things brings you down, because I am not trying to. I have been an emotional rollercoaster for some time now but I wanted you to know I enjoy reading what you write. Thanks!

trina_p

on Jun 15, 2004

how LittleWhip operates

laughable little homophobia doesn't exist threads, and self-righteously claimed

Very curious.

generously

But she doesn't mean to be unkind?

nerve

ignorant and completely dishonest folks like this on JU

homophobic ones

and that's just from the above post.

MadPoet41

on Jun 15, 2004

Your holier the thou atitude and woe is me and my friends and not quite personal attacks on people are wearing thin on me

Trina~so LittleWhip coming on my thread about Ryan White and AIDS, and calling me and all my friends a$$holes is not a personal attack? Hello? So how would you expect me to react to that kind of blatantly hostile treartment? Should I just nod and smile and say: Why, thank you Little Whip? Also, she is going on threads and telling outright lies about me. Is that acceptable to you?

One last thing. Why did you also come on my thread and claim something about me that was merely a partial truth, huh? In order to suit your own purposes? I called you on that. You obviously didn't appreciate it. I also substantiated what I had to say with the original quote in question. Something you could not, and did not do. LittleWhip actually went on WiseFawn's thread a few days ago with one of my own quotes~and attempted to say that it was stated by WiseFawn herself, and use it to put her down with. Say what? I called her on it. So did WiseFawn. And she didn't like that. So you wanna talk about personal attacks? I wonder why I am being critical of her, huh? So please don't get me started on what's wearing thin here, huh? Phoenixboi is my friend, and I don't care at all for the insensitive way she spoke to him in her comment. I mean, she did say that I and my friends are a$$holes on my Ryan White/AIDS thread, huh? Then she comes here and insults my gay friend with another one of her classic distortions? She doesn't mean to be unkind. Please.

Sorry. I don't buy it. You will have to come up with a more convincing sales pitch in the future. Thank you for the lovely little "not quite personal attack". BTW, do you have any kind words for Phoenixboi at all? I mean, this is his thread, huh? Not LittleWhip's.

~MadPoet

P.S. So are you still feeling ignored?

trina_p

on Jun 15, 2004

I didn't say little whip's comment wasn't a personal attack.

Little whip was ONE example of the number of veiled comments I've seen you make about people on your own and other people's blogs.

Sacchrine

P.S. So are you still feeling ignored?

I wasn't talking about this comment or the one where I defended Bakerstreet -- I was talking about the one I'd made earlier - I'd asked questions, offered opions - but I think I was just ignored because I agreed with the majority and I didn't suck up to you.

By the way -- it was a nice story for what it was a personal attack on the character of Ronald Reagan and indeed Ryan White -- WHat child do you know with any terminal illness that feels bitterness to anyone. They're far more interested in living out the rest of their lives the best way they can then focusing on blame.
Ryan White wouldn't have been crying tears of bitterness, anger or resentment - nor would he care about meeting Ronald Reagan on the otherside - he was probably playing baseball in heaven with the other deceased children.

Copper Clark

on Jun 15, 2004

I have to say that the fighting back and forth really takes away from a great post. I really don't understand why poeple come here and spew their ingnorant remarks. There is no need to waste so much energy fighting with people who are not open minded.

MadPoet41

on Jun 15, 2004

Your holier the thou atitude and woe is me and my friends and not quite personal attacks on people are wearing thin on me

MP - I'm kinda getting tired of your veiled "nasty comments"

anyone with half a brain can see the saccrine in your voice - butter wouldn't melt in your mouth attitude

you'll just ignore me

he didn't like "curiouser and curiouser"

You're not a character from ALice in WOnderland.

Trina~nor are you. So perhaps you should stop trying to sound like one. Everything you accuse me of here you have just done to me yourself. Does that not sound like the kind of logic that comes straight out of a rabbit hole to you? I thank you again for your "not quite personal" attack on me.

~MadPoet

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