Life in the firing line.

Published on June 15, 2004 By Phoenixboi In Blogging

Ive been blogging like mad over the past few days. This has been due to the amazing post by MadPoet about Ryan White and Reagan. It's been really interesting to read what people have been writing and also heart breaking.

Heart breaking because there is still a dramatic amount of stigmatism around this whole disease.

Did you know that I cannot enter the UNited States because of my status? Because of my status I cannot get health insurance. Because of my status I am denyed relationships with people because of their lack of education, they are scared of me. Imagine being treated like a leper.

Imagine. When I go for my blood tests the nurse puts on gloves, a face mask, goggles and a gown. Im an infectious body walking around.

Imagine being with a lover and all the while when making love it is in the back of my mind am I going to infect this person? Imagine for a moment how that feels.

Imagine that the relationships I have had in my adult life the people dont feel secure because they cannot see a future life with me because they fear this disease will eventually take me away from them.

Imagine not knowing if the cough you have one day will turn into the pneumonia the next.

Imagine thinking everyday that you life is a walking timebomb??

Imagine life on the firing line??

Comments (Page 3)

Phoenixboi

on Jun 16, 2004

Hi again little whip ..no it wasnt your actions that made me think this way I have been practising this for a number of years now because I find it easier to deal with.
I dont think abstinence is an option for me because thats just not what I want to do because i find it very fullfilling in more than just getting my rocks off. I find having sex to be something that enhances my spirit, my emotions and my life in general. Im sure you can understand that, I dont know you but Im sure you can see that.
I always feel responsible for my own actions. I cant help it, my belief in Karma and its display to me has shown me this. In some ways I feel responsible sometimes for others actions as well.
Thanks for reading. I hope in someway I can help you to understand what im about.
Cheers.

dharmagrl

on Jun 16, 2004

I wonder...I think that I had read before that you got the virus from having unprotected sex with someone. Is that right, or am I just befuddled? And that you had been living with it for 14 years...which would mean that you got infected in 1990 or thereabouts. Is that right too? I'm just trying to get a timeline on the sequence of events.

Phoenixboi

on Jun 16, 2004

Little whip I understnad where you are coming from now as well. Thanks for being honest and open here on my blog.

I also should have clarified that for me sex isnt just having intercourse. It is like you have suggested many other emotional and physical things. All of which arent risky behaviours at all.

Thanks again for your commets.

Phoenixboi

on Jun 16, 2004

I think that I had read before that you got the virus from having unprotected sex with someone. Is that right, or am I just befuddled? And that you had been living with it for 14 years...which would mean that you got infected in 1990 or thereabouts. Is that right too?

Yup thats right ... I did. And if you can recall the guy I got it from didnt tell me he was positive.

dharmagrl

on Jun 16, 2004

And if you can recall the guy I got it from didnt tell me he was positive.

Did he know he was positive at the time he infected you? Or was he burying his head in the sand and pretending it wasn't happening?

Either way, it's all moot now. You're infected, and you're having to live with it.

Phoenixboi

on Jun 16, 2004

Yeah he did know I confronted him about it. I was really angry. I reported him to the appropriate authorities at the time. I dont know what has happened to him I didnt follow it up, I was too confused and tortured by it back then. The way I confronted him about it I thought I had done it to him so was informing him of my diagnosis scared that I had passed it onto him.

Either way, it's all moot now. You're infected, and you're having to live with it.

Yeah that's true. Life has never been the same since. But mostly Ive tried to turn it into a positive experience. It's the only way I have been able to cope with it.

Thanks again for your comments little whip and dharmagrl.

I have just read a news article about a guy in Canada who has been charged with knowingly infecting over 200 women.
Link

Knowingly infecting someone is a hiddeous thing to do. I do consider it pre meditated murder.

MadPoet41

on Jun 16, 2004

I look foreward to your email MadPoet.
Cheers!

Phoenixboi~It's a done deal. Already 3-4 hours ago. Hope you enjoy?

Cheers!

~MP

dharmagrl

on Jun 16, 2004

But mostly Ive tried to turn it into a positive experience.

I honestly believe that it's not what has happened to you that matters; it's how you react to it. You have a choice...you can either lay down in the face of adversity, or you can stand up and give it your best shot. I believe that you're giving it your best shot, and you're doing so in the face of death.

Unfortunately, as you already know, having unprotected sex is a risk, be you homosexual, heterosexual, whatever. The person you're exchanging fluids with can infect you before they've even tested positive themselves. You just can't trust anyone, and that's sad.

Phoenixboi

on Jun 16, 2004

Thanks dharmagrl! that is exactly what I believe as well. It is why I prescribe to the "dharma" and why I have started blogging. I think like you stated in your recent blog though that I am going to take a backseat in the blog world and concentrate more on my main reason for blogging, that is to use it as a release, a chance to express my emotions and experiences that are happening to me.

Ive learnt that from the past few days that getting involved in political arguments isnt doing anything to my health and wellbeing. Even though I feel passionate about certain subjects, it's now time for me to share my experiences, not try and justify them.

And hopefully my blogs can be a place where people come and find some sort of compassion and in that find something more about themselves that they might now have been able to see elsewhere.

Hey MadPoet I got your email! thanks Im gonna reply real soon ok!

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