I used to have dreams when I was a kid, horrible dreams about King Kong.
The setting was always at my primary school. I used to run around the playground and the quadrangle and try and hide from this huge big monster. I went to a catholic primary school and there was a huge cathedral on the school grounds. In my dream I used to hide inside the church. But inside was dark. My eyes used to always find comfort in the statues of the saints and Mary and Jesus.
Id wake up in a sweat. This dream was reacurring. Over and over again it used to plague me. For a kid this was a frightening dream.
When I went to school I would go into the little room in the church and light a candle. Hoping that my fears would subside and that this huge monster wouldnt come to "get me".
It wasnt until years later about 4 years ago that I went to therapy. There was alot going on in my life and my therapy consisted of sandplay and dream investigation with a great Jungian therapist. While playing in the sand and talking about this dream a revelation came over me.
When I was in primary school I used to be an alter boy. I could recite the whole mass by rote. I loved the Church, I loved the comfort that knowing there was a higher being to look after us and watch as we prayed for everything we felt was needed in this world that I felt so foreign in.
The priests used to give us some of the wine and have jokes with us. I remember it being a fun time. Until I remember going into one of the rooms of the Church. It was dark. I remember being frieghtened, I remember it being dark. I remember a figure coming into the room and I remember the door being shut behind them.
I remember it was really dark.
Tears came streaming down my face. The very place that I found so much comfort in was unleashing a great darkness inside my heart.
I turned away from the institution I loved, and looked up at the Sun and asked it to show me my spirit. Where my true self lay.
to be continued...