it's my last night in Melbourne.
I've had a good time. Alot of it has been spent wanting it to go quickly so I could get home and see my mate. I hate it when Im somewhere yet want to be somewhere else only when Im there wishing I was in the place I was before.
So this time was a strange time for me in Melbourne. I didnt really have alot of money to spend so i didnt do much shopping. I didnt get out into the city much, it felt weird like I didnt belong here. I've always loved melbourne and have even considered moving down here but I guess this trip confirmed it for me that it really isn't the place right now for me to be. Before I came here I was really thinking that it was the place for me to be. It felt right. But now being here it doesnt.
Things I guess always change. My life constantly changes. I guess I've learnt to flow with it now and not expect too much. If anything at all. Does that mean I have closed off alot of options? Have I become despondant with my life? Am I not allowing possibilities to enter because I feel like it isn't permanent so it isn't worth the bother?
I've made this year for me the year of action. There has been so much progress so far this year for me. I have discovered that in the midst of all this change I am being guided to places and people I need to hear and be with.
One of the most difficult things I have faced in this lifetime is telling people that I am HIV positive. This has been really difficult because I fear the reaction that it would cause in the person I have told. Whether it be fear or rejection or sadness or even knowing that they would treat me differently because of it. It's just been really fucking difficult. Even though it is now 14 years since I got this and you would think I have had enough time to deal with it, you know really I haven't dealt with it. I've just learnt to live with it, not deal with it.
Now I think it is time for me to deal with it.
So goodbye Melbourne. I might not be here for a long while yet, but you have been a great place for me to be and experience. Im not going to settle down here. There are other places I need to revisit, and a few new places to explore. Life changes. People change and circumstances always change. Our lives are written. We do have a destiny. It is just written in the sand, and the tides of change always re write what is going to happen next.