I went out to lunch with Marcus yesterday he took me out to Yum Cha in the city.
I dont think I have ever been to Yum Cha. It was an enlightening experience. People coming around with trolleys full of food and you just pick out what appeals to you the most and they put a stamp on a card to say how much you've eaten.
It was nice to see Marcus again. I hadn't seen him in nearly a week. He's got a really nice smile which seems to light something up in me. So while eating Yum Cha something happened to me inside. I got to thinking about life. My mind is a bit strange sometimes and things like this seem to pop up in the oddest of moments.
The place was packed out with people. There was even a line up of people waiting to be seated. All waiting for these trolleys of food that seemed to be endless coming around. The women would say in their half english half chinese voices whatever was on the trolleys and seemed a little upset if you rejected them. You can see what I'm getting to here..
In life do we pick out what we feel is right for us, gorging ourselves with the pleasures that are so fleeting, one mouthful and they are gone. Do the memories come back and make them real? I mean when we are in the moment and enjoying what we have in front of us time seems to go so fast. Then all we are left with is the memories. Until the next trolley comes around and we seem to forget about what we just had and immerse ourselves in the next "dish".
Is life just one big Yum Cha? How can the feelings we had one moment be forgotten to the new feelings? Does it make what we have felt not real? Or are the new feelings any less real than the old ones?
We seem to give our lives to situations or feelings, "we will be together forever and ever" "I love you more than life itself", then when something happens those feelings are out the window. Am I just going insane here?
For some reason Marcus has come into my life at the moment. And when Im at home and alone I feel like Im missing something. Is it the person or the feelings that they bring up in me? I've felt this stuff before. Now maybe more than ever I am seeing things with new eyes. I guess I dont want to be hurt I guess I am being guarded. All I want to do is give myself wholey to someone. To make them feel as good as they make me feel. To be looked at with the same eyes and excitement that I feel.
My heart is pounding at the moment. It's skipping a beat. The rythmn isnt right. I want it right again.