The Purpose of Life is to Live it..not to spend all of it searching for the purpose. Live Live Live like every second was your last.
Published on October 22, 2004 By Phoenixboi In Blogging
Im going to be 32 soon, well in a couple of months time.

I didn't think I would make it this far. You know when your a kid and you think about getting older and 20 sounds really old. Back then I didn't think I would make it past 26. It was always the year, 26 for some reason had to me that ring to it. Life would end at 26. So anything over 26 for me is a bonus. Now Im reaching 32 I look back and can understand why somehow my subconscious made the choice of 26.

From the age of 26 my whole life turned around. Well it was the time of my life I started questioning my existence and where I was going. It was for me the lazarus effect. I was once again given life and new directions needed to be taken. At 26 my relationship was breaking down, I was getting sick and started counselling. It was the beginning for me of what some people term "Saturn Return", the time when the planet Saturn comes back to the time of your birth in your astrological chart and dredges up everything lasting until the age of about 30 where things should have started to settle down.

What's the point of this blog? Well for some reason the past couple of days has shown me that I am maturing. Maturing at 32. Does that sound strange? My mind seems calmer at the moment and I want to settle down. I think I am ready once again to be with someone and spend my life with them growing and sharing together.

Does that mean I am out there looking? No im not really interested in looking. Ive done that and Im not impressed with what is out there at the moment. Im comfortable but long for some intimacy. Im over the meaningless sex thing. That has hit home the hardest at the moment. I can get the sex but what after? Hollowness, emptiness. It's the connection that I am seeking. Connection on levels other than for pleasure.

So like when I was a kid Im looking into the future. I dont see any age. It's kinda exciting because nothing is planned, nothing is in concrete and things could change at any moment. But with that I have a feeling of safety in the knowledge that I am being looked after, and am loved.


Comments
on Oct 22, 2004
What a beautiful blog, phoenixboi. I am feel so happy and safe and loved in my marriage, and I wish those same feelings and that same kind of relationship for you. You are an amazing human being.
on Oct 22, 2004
Hope you continue to feel this way for a long time to come. I myself look back at when I was a child and think about looking at adults at that time. I always wondered what it would be like to be grown up, like them. To this day, I don't know that I've ever completely grown up. I've matured, but I still feel like that child, looking at the world with wonder. Will it ever make sense? Will I ever be completely grown up? I don't know, but it sure is a great feeling to not know! Keep your spirits up. Always remember that you have friends here.
on Oct 24, 2004
You are an amazing human being.


Texas thankyou!...it's great to know your happy and things have worked out for you!..
are you adjusting to the new medication ok now?


hey LW!.. yeah slowly its coming together... dreams have been bizarre..to say the least... but i just have to relax in the mornings and things get back to normal in the afternoons. It's a bitch for work, but i have to work out my roster to make things better. Hugs to you too!

I've matured, but I still feel like that child, looking at the world with wonder. Will it ever make sense? Will I ever be completely grown up? I don't know, but it sure is a great feeling to not know! Keep your spirits up. Always remember that you have friends here.


Hey Chiprj.. you brought a real smile to my heart. Thankyou. I hope someday it makes sense...but then I think it might be better to have the adventures and not to really know and then we can always be kids at heart. When are we playing basketball?? hugs to you too chiprj!