why suicide isnt an option

Published on October 8, 2004 By Phoenixboi In Blogging

Yesterday Ju reader I was over it. I really was. There was nothing in my life that was calling me to stay. I really wanted things to end. Once again I started medication and it felt like things were going round in circles for me. Did I want to start this trip again? No not really.

Ive been going through this for the past 14 years now and really it's becoming tiresome. It doesnt gain friendships, it doesnt gain lasting love, I wake up alone, and the energy that I feel in my soul doesnt come through the physical anymore. I tire easily. This in turn affects work, relationships and the basics of life.

Last night I started the Stocrin. It really hit me hard. I woke up last night numb all over, the dreams of Kath and Kim and disco balls going round and round and round were driving me crazy. I couldnt move my body. I was seperate from my body. I had to get up and go to work but I couldnt. I had to miss another day of work. I was so pissed off about it. My sister ended up coming to make me some breakfast. I managed to get up and sit on the lounge and sleep some more. I couldnt shower, I couldnt even lift the cup of dandelion that I love to have so much in the morning. What was the point in all this?

The weather once again was beautiful outside. The smell of summer is in the air. I love this time of the year. The birds are out, the flowers are out, the salt water is in my veins. I want to get out there. I want to run and swim and feel the exciting air that comes with this time of the year. I look to the promise that next year will be better. That next year love will come and new opportunities will come and take me on a new adventure.

Suicide I keep telling myself is not an option. Why does this thought keep popping up in my mind? With all that I know what is it that is bringing me to this state?

So I keep looking towards the Buddha on my wall and trust that through all this pain and suffering that I am going through right now there is the promise of better things to come in the future, a future Im not certain about but pray for with every cell in my body for life.

Suicide is not an option. It's time for the meds again. It's going to get better.

Comments

Mackintosh

on Oct 08, 2004

It will get better, hang in there...I wish I could come up with something better, but I suck when it comes to giving others' encouragement. :-/

Phoenixboi

on Oct 08, 2004

Thanks Mack I wish I knew as well... I only hope it will get better

Janders

on Oct 08, 2004

I'm sorry you are going through this time in your life.... It will get better, know that there are lots of people put there that care for you and arfe sending their prayers, positive energies and thoughts for a better feeling you!

Phoenixboi

on Oct 09, 2004

Thanks so much Janders..

I have to say that I was really naughty last night and I didnt take the Stocrin. I couldnt bring myself to it and just said fuck it.. but tonight Ill be back on them. Im gonna take it slow.

Ravenblack

on Oct 09, 2004

I think this depression happens to people with chronic illnesses. It comes and goes. I know someone with Cystic Fibrosis, sick all his life, has to take meds everyday, have to have the stuff expelled from his lungs everyday and risk infection to his lungs when season change. He gets deeply depressed sometimes, but he's bounced back everytime and doing better all the time. He lives one day at a time and he's an inspiration to me and all his friends.

Get better soon, Phoenix.

wuxiaomao

on Oct 09, 2004

You know better than anybody else around here that "this too shall pass."

EmperorofIceCream

on Oct 09, 2004

Actually, you ought to be grateful - for the misery, the depression, the pain and the hopelessness. You have an opportunity that's given to vey few. The opportunity to decide whether or not there's anything truly meaningful in your life that can compensate for the attrition of the grey everyday.

If it turns out that there is, then you'll have something that even fewer of us can say we have - a reason for living. And if it turns out that there isn't then you'll have been given another opportunity that most people never get - the chance to make a conscious, deliberate, decision as to whether or not to live.

Did someone tell you that living as an adult is an easy matter? If so, they lied to you.

It will be interesting to see what you do.

dharmagrl

on Oct 09, 2004

Why didn't you call me???????? You should have called me...and if it happens again, you should just pick up the damn phone and talk to me. I don't want to hear that it was late here and you would have woken me, that's what friends are for. Don't make me get the handbag out....

You are the strongest person i know. Maybe not physically, but mentally and spiritually. I just wish I was there so I could help you...in the meantime, know that I'm here, that I love you, and that I will do anything I can to help you, to make you feel better, to ease your pain.

You do have to tell me when you're feeling like this, though! I'm intuitive, but I'm not psychic - yet!

Phoenixboi

on Oct 10, 2004

Raven and Wuxiamao thanks for your thoughts!.. things are getting better.. well I gotta push em along a bit.

LW.. thanks for taking the time and the effort for checking out what EFV is and does. That really touched me and is really sweet you would do that. It's the third time I've been on this and I know how I react with it and I really dont look forward to being off my face most nights. But I get used to it. I think to myself to make it better that people pay good money to be like this.. I enjoyed the break I guess but in reality I gotta get back into them.

Dharma.. I know. Just get the handbag out. Start it swinging. And give me a few hits. It's hard. You know it's hard. I know your there and thats what makes it a little easier to keep smiling.

Champas Socialist

on Oct 10, 2004

Hang in there PB. Since visiting your blog only a week or two ago I have really enjoyed reading your blogs. You seem to me like a really decent human being, and there aren't enough of them in the world for us to be able to afford losing one to suicide.

Phoenixboi

on Oct 11, 2004

Thanks Champas... Ive been reading and enjoying your blogs lately as well. Im glad your taking the time to read mine..thankyou!

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