Im feeling a strange sort of calmness today.
It's strange because I haven't felt like this for a really long time. It is almost as if it's the calmness before the storm or like being in the eye of a hurricane.
I've had more tests this week. An eeg which means they put these electrodes on my head and measured the brainwaves. It was kinda freaky sitting there trying to be calm while they flashed lights in front of my eyes and seeing psychadelic patterns in my mind while it was happening. I get the results from it on friday. I went to the doctors again yesterday and talked with the counsellor told him of all the anxiety I have been still feeling and how it has basically taken over most of my life. It has been really hard the past couple of weeks. Going through this emotional and physical ride hasn't been too much fun. A strange thought of ending things passed through my mind at one point and that was quickly slapped out of me by a good mate of mine. There is still more to do.
The doctors stopped all my medication. It's going to be a process of elimination on what's causing me to feel this way. Stopping the meds is giving me more anxiety though. It took a hell of a time to get me on the meds that I have been on and now stopping them is really causing me to think about what is going to happen next. Seeing I am resistant to most of the drugs available is there going to be anything I am going to be able to take or am I going to have to ride it out without medication? Im supposed to ride it out for the next couple of days without and see if it makes me feel better and of it doesnt then I am supposed to start taking a really low dose of diazapam, that'a a form of valium to relax me. This then means that I cannot drive which means I wont be able to go to work. This is really freaking me out at the moment. I need to keep deep breathing and ride it out.
Writing about this is helping though getting it out of my system.
Spring has shown itself to us this week. The weather is getting warmer, its going to be 23 degrees here today. The sun is rising earlier and setting later. It doesnt seem right though. It's like a false sense of hope. We are going to get a few cold snaps yet. Maybe it is mirroring my life at the moment. Before things get better, a few things have to get worse. It's a rollercoaster and Im not enjoying the ride.